Fawners Unfawning: Finding Integrity on the Pickleball Court

Community Reflections

To all of us finding our way back to ourselves,

Healing from a chronic fawn response is not a destination, it is a path. One that unfolds in small, everyday moments, in discovering new choices, and in subtle shifts that allow us to hold on to ourselves.

This new series, Fawners Unfawning, is a space to share real stories from our community: small victories, personal reflections, and moments of growth.

As a Reminder: The goal is not to go from fawning to never fawning. That’s not possible! We need our trauma responses, we just don’t want to live in survival mode 24/7. Unfawning then, is about seeking more flexibility and freedom while still keeping ourselves safe.

Real names have been changed to respect the author, and as always, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. Additionally, this is not personal therapy but snapshots from our community and my reflections on them.

This Week’s Reflection: Finding Integrity on the Pickleball Court

Sienna writes:

*"I wanted to share a small victory I had on the pickleball court last week. You may not be aware, but there is quite a divide between Elite, Intermediate, and Beginner players. After a match last week, a group of ‘Elites’ were at the net chatting on the court. (This is highly unusual behavior—when a match is done, players usually clear the court to keep play going.) I was playing with another group on the adjoining court (the score was 10-3, so our game was almost over, and a couple of Beginners were waiting to play).

It seemed like the Elites were stalling so they could take over our court when we finished. One of my teammates said, ‘You can see what those guys are doing—stalling to take our court. I think we should say our score is 7-7 so we can extend our game longer.’

I replied, ‘I don’t feel comfortable with that.’ And so we just continued our game.

This may seem like a very little thing, but there was a time in my life, not too long ago, when I would have agreed to fudge our score—just to go along with the group. I felt really good about staying in my integrity and not allowing someone else to influence me and my team to lie about our score. The interesting outcome? My team (who had been down 3-10) came back and won the match!”*

My Thoughts

Sienna!

First, I want to say: This is NOT A SMALL THING! These wins are HUGE - the unfawning AND the match. Congratulations!

This made me think of my life-long fear of conflict. Any sign of it felt like, “the hammer is going to fall.” The truth is that in my house growing up, using my voice made things WORSE. There is a reason our bodies eventually turned to the fawn response … fight was essentially snuffed out. And because we’ve lived in environments where that kind of perpetual protection was necessary, fawning came to stay.

You seemed to be able to slow this moment down. To notice that your voice was respected in this relationship and space. You trusted that even if there was disagreement … you could respect yourself, out loud. For those of us who have always gone along to get along, this is so brave! You were taking a risk, and had your own back along the way.

For all of us on the path—just noticing what we think, want, and feel is a major step towards self-advocacy. I wonder what you might notice if you point your curiosity towards yourself this week? You don’t have to do anything with that information—just notice.

Join the Conversation

Have you had a moment like this—where you noticed yourself making a different choice than you might have in the past? Where you chose to honor your integrity, even in a small way?

Drop a comment below or send your own reflection to hello@ingridclayton.com. If you’re open to having your story shared (anonymously or with your name), let me know—it might inspire someone else who is navigating the same thing.

Unfawning happens in steps. And with each one, we make space for something new. We make space for our true self.

With warmth,
Ingrid