Fawners Unfawning: Walking Through the Fire

Community Reflections

To Fellow Unfawners,

Unfawning isn’t a one-time act—it’s a practice. A process of listening inward, holding our boundaries with compassion, and making new choices that prioritize our peace, even when it hurts.

This series, Fawners Unfawning, is a space to highlight real reflections from our community—stories of reclaiming agency, setting limits, and making space for authenticity.

✨ As always, this is not personal therapy, but community storytelling. Real names have been changed to honor privacy. Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.

✨ And remember: The goal isn’t to go from fawning to never fawning. Trauma responses exist for a reason—we’re simply seeking more choice, more freedom, and more self-trust.

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This Week’s Reflection: Walking Through the Fire

Natasha writes:

“I work as a disability support worker. I realised very quickly that even disabled people can be cruel and take advantage of their workers. A small part in me thought I would be safe. But I soon began to feel the anger swell inside of me as some of my clients proceeded to push me around and be mean.

Fawning for me meant for one, that if I spoke up where work was concerned, I would be poor, since I was punished financially for speaking up by my father. So, imagine the terror as I started to speak up. Speaking up and walking away from clients who were disrespectful and did not fit my ideal mutually respecting client. What about the money? I could feel the fear viscerally, but I had to do this.

My self-respect was on the line, and I had ignored it for so long understandably. One by one, I assessed and moved on. Today I can say I have 5 beautiful clients who pay me well and respect me. If I am sick or can't make it, they don't batt an eyelid. They care about my wellbeing, and I'm often surprised which speaks volumes about my childhood.

It took two years of walking through that fire and sometimes I still feel that heat. It really has scarred me but it hasn’t stopped me. I feel so proud of myself and very proud of the people I care for because they reflect the version of me I always wanted to feel from my family.”

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My Thoughts

Natasha - thank you so much for shining a light on fawning in the workplace! This is true for so many—we fawn because our survival is dependent on a paycheck!

What I want to highlight for the community is that unfawning is a process. First, you noticed that you weren’t being treated well. You allowed yourself to feel the anger welling up inside. These are the first signs and you took them seriously!

Then, one-by-one, you assessed and made a new choice wherever possible. Going at a pace we can tolerate is crucial to the process of finding our voice and gaining self-advocacy. Our bodies have to feel the safety we are establishing. It’s not a cognitive process of “knowing better,” it’s an experiential process of feeling safer internally—allowing that to build exponentially overtime.

I’m so grateful that today, you feel reciprocal respect in your professional relationships. I imagine you are so grateful that you started this process years ago, so you could land here today.

To the community, I wonder what you might notice if you took your feelings seriously? If you didn’t downplay other’s poor treatment? You don’t need to do anything with that information, just allow these realities to exist. Offer yourself your own validation, compassion, and see what wants to happen next.

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Join the Conversation

Have you had a moment like this—where you made a different choice, even when it brought up old fears? A time when honoring your self-respect meant walking through the fire?

Share your reflection by commenting below, or send your story to hello@ingridclayton.com. If you’re open to having it shared (anonymously or with your name), just let us know—it might help someone else feel a little less alone.

With warmth,
Ingrid