Unfawning Through Integration

A Relational Ecology of the Self

For the ones tending to their inner ecosystem,

When we talk about healing from fawning, we often focus on the outward behaviors—people-pleasing, appeasing, disappearing in plain sight.

But beneath those reflexes is an entire ecosystem of inner parts (some protective, some exiled) all trying to survive the terrain.

A friend of mine recently went to a talk in Vancouver with Dr. Jane Goodall–the zoologist and primatologist who studied chimpanzees for over 60 years. In it, Dr. Goodall spoke about how protecting wildlife also involves supporting the human communities that live near them. You can’t just isolate one species and expect lasting change, you have to understand the entire system.

I think healing from fawning asks the same of us.

It’s not about focusing solely on what we hope to change. It’s about getting curious about our entire inner landscape, the system that created the parts of us that have needed to fawn.

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Reprocessing as Restoration

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we talk about “parts”—inner protectors, exiles, and caretakers that developed in response to what we lived through. These parts are not problems, they’re survivors; and some of them still feel stuck in danger from the past.

For me, one of those parts was my inner thirteen-year-old. She held a memory my adult self had never fully looked at or integrated. For years, I tried to write this part off, I intellectualized and minimized her pain. I wanted to “leave the past in the past,” like so many people suggested. But none of it worked.

It wasn’t until I returned to her, not to analyze, fix, or get rid of her, but to be with her. To offer the safety and presence she never had, that I not only began to make sense to myself, I had so much more self-compassion. I could resolve some of the questions she had—from my adult perspective now. And I could let her know she wasn’t alone and trapped. In fact, I was there to set her free.

That’s what reprocessing can look like: we go back, not to relive, but to relate.

photo from: JSTOR Daily: How Microcosms Help Us Understand Ecology

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Why Systems Matter: What We Can Learn from Conservation

Dr. Goodall continually shows us that healing an ecosystem requires more than rescuing one species or solving one problem in isolation. And real healing, whether it’s ecological or emotional, doesn’t happen through force. It’s about restoring balance.

As I’ve come to understand through healing complex trauma, we can’t create peace inside ourselves without building trust with the parts that kept us safe.

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Some exciting news!

I’m thrilled to share that Dick Schwartz, the founder of IFS therapy has just endorsed my new book, FAWNING.

“With Fawning, Ingrid Clayton compassionately honors the parts of ourselves that learned to survive through over-accommodation and people-pleasing. Her work gives readers practical ways to develop Self-leadership with these often misunderstood protectors, creating the inner safety needed for true healing.”

--Richard Schwartz, Ph.D., author of No Bad Parts and founder of Internal Family Systems

I hope this post inspires some time with your internal ecosystem.

With warmth,
Ingrid