Are You Spiritually Bypassing?

A Fawner's Guide to True Connection

Hi Friends,

In our pursuit of peace and transcendence, it’s easy to unknowingly trade authentic connection for a polished illusion of "spiritual growth." Practices like meditation, prayer, or yoga promise healing, but when wielded to avoid or suppress our emotions, they can lead us down the path of spiritual bypassing.

Coined by psychotherapist John Welwood, spiritual bypassing occurs when we use spiritual practices to sidestep our emotional work, shielding ourselves from uncomfortable truths. It’s a subtle defense mechanism that can look "holier" than others, but at its core, it disconnects us from the fullness of our messy, beautiful human experience.

For fawners—those of us conditioned to prioritize others at the expense of our own needs—this tendency can feel especially tempting. After all, what’s more “noble” than abandoning our feelings for a higher purpose? But in truth, it’s just another layer of self-abandonment, cloaked in the language of spirituality.

By Natalya Lobanova

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The Trap of Spiritual Perfectionism

Many of us have been taught, implicitly or explicitly, that spirituality should free us from the messiness of being human. We’re told that with the “right” mantra, the “perfect” practice, or enough effort, we’ll transcend pain, discomfort, and even ourselves. But this chase for perfection is a dead end.

We can’t out-think our brains, out-run our feet, or out-pray our feelings. And why would we want to? Feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, are our teachers. They ground us in our reality and help us navigate life’s complexities. To bypass them is to lose touch with the very truths that make us whole.

By Natalya Lobanova

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What We Really Need Isn’t Intensity—It’s Consistency

James Clear writes in Atomic Habits that people often believe they need intensity to change their lives. They want a single, life-altering breakthrough, but what they really need is consistency: small, daily actions that, over time, create profound transformation.

This is the antidote to spiritual bypassing. Instead of chasing the next "perfect" practice to fix us, we can focus on showing up, day after day, for the quiet, steady work of being human.

This could look like sitting with a difficult emotion without trying to solve it. Or choosing a practice—not because it promises transcendence, but because it anchors you in the here and now.

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How to Recognize and Reclaim

If you’re wondering whether your spiritual practice is helping you connect—or distracting you from what needs attention—here are some questions to consider:

1. Am I using this practice to avoid something difficult? Instead of praying harder or meditating longer, pause and ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? What am I afraid to face?

2. Do I believe that feeling certain emotions makes me less “spiritual”? Emotions like anger, sadness, or frustration aren’t enemies. They’re signals. Can you sit with them, without judgment, and listen to what they’re telling you?

3. Is someone encouraging me to bypass my feelings? Beware of phrases like, “If only you were more spiritual, you’d let it go.” True spiritual growth is never about denial—it’s about deeper connection and self-awareness.

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Moving Forward with Intention

True spirituality isn’t about avoiding pain; it’s about embracing the full spectrum of life with grace and courage. Seeking spiritual practices should invite deeper self-awareness, not escape. It’s all about meeting yourself where you are—messy, imperfect, human—and learning to hold space for all that you feel.

As you step into spring, I invite you to reflect: Where might I be bypassing my truth for the sake of comfort or appearances? How can I use my spiritual practice as a tool for connection, not avoidance?

Let’s honor our humanity together, one step—and one feeling—at a time.

With warmth,

Ingrid