Tending to the Fire

When “Staying Regulated” Gets in the Way of Healing

Jun 20, 2025

To anyone who’s ever clenched their jaw instead of screaming,

In recent years, language about the nervous system has entered the mainstream, and in many ways, this is a beautiful thing. We're finally talking more openly about the body, about dysregulation, about how trauma lives not just in the past, but in our cells, our muscles, and our breath.

But as with most things that enter the cultural spotlight, we’ve started to simplify. To suck out the essence, thus, limiting our understanding rather than expanding it.

Regulation, for many of us, has quietly become the new spiritual bypassing.

We breathe deeply not to connect, but to avoid burdening others. We down-regulate not to feel safe, but to appear safe. We “stay calm” because we’ve internalized the belief that any display of intensity is a sign of failure.

But this isn’t healing. It’s more hiding.

When Regulation Becomes a Performance

For fawners especially, the pressure to stay regulated can mimic the very same survival strategies that got us stuck in the first place!

We’re experts at smoothing over conflict. At shape-shifting into the person others feel most comfortable around. We do this with our voices, our posture, our availability. And now…our vagus nerve responses, too.

There’s a moment in the book FAWNING where I write:

“When an animal faces a threat, their trauma responses take over. When the threat has passed, they literally shake it off, releasing the tension and pent-up survival energy in their bodies. In our evolution, humans have learned to override this vital instinct. Thus when trauma happens, our bodies can remain in a constant state of arousal and tension.”

We’ve learned to override our most primal ways of returning to safety. And in doing so, we’ve lost access to the discharge our bodies still need.

The Fire Doesn’t Need to Go Out

In many healing spaces, we’re taught that regulation should look like stillness. Like staying calm or “even” no matter what. As if serenity were the highest goal; and emotional intensity something to fear.

But nervous system health isn’t about flattening our inner world. When we treat anger, fear, grief, or desire as something to suppress, we miss their deeper messages.

Sometimes, the most healing thing is to move with the emotion. To let the fire express itself through our bodies, choices, creativity and connection to others.

Maybe that looks like yelling into a pillow, or writing a letter you never send. Maybe it’s channeling the charge into a walk, a song, a canvas. Maybe it’s speaking the words you’ve always swallowed.

Let’s learn to stay with ourselves when the heat rises. This is regulation, too. For fawners in particular, our work is often not about extinguishing the fire–we’ve done that our whole lives! It’s about learning how to feel the warmth, to find safe places for it to burn.

Invitations to Reflect

Where in my life am I trying to stay composed when I actually feel called to let something move?
What sensations or practices help me discharge pent up energy?
Have I mistaken “looking healed” for being connected to myself?

When we mistake composure for healing, we cut ourselves off from the intelligence of the fire within.

Let your fire speak. Let it guide you. Let it remind you that you don’t have to freeze, fawn, or fold to stay connected to yourself. That sometimes, the most regulated thing you can do… is finally tell the truth.

If you feel called to share, I’d love to hear what this brings up for you. You can always hit reply or leave a comment or email me at hello@ingridclayton.com.

A Quick Heads Up!

I’ll be going live on Substack with the incredible Laura McKowen on June 26th to talk all things FAWNING. I’ll also be giving away a free advance copy of the book to one lucky subscriber! Stay tuned for more details!

With warmth and fire,
Ingrid